No Morning After (a very short story)

He knew the relationship was doomed the moment she got out of bed and began praying loudly. She was in fact louder than she had been throughout their hour long bout of love making. Well, he thought it had been love making. But as he listened to her at the foot of the bed with her hands clasped together so tightly that her knuckles were white and her eyes clamped shut as she swayed back and forth slowly in her nakedness, he learned that he was wrong.

“Oh dear Lord,” she called out so loudly that ne nearly fell out of the bed, “please take us into your loving bosom and forgive us the wanton carnality of our acts in your divine presence. Know, oh mighty God, that it was not my wish to transgress so egregiously. I did not wish to indulge in drink and flesh…”
And that’s how it went for ten minutes; her espousing to an apparently angry and bitter god how terribly wicked and evil they both were but oh golly gee, Mr. Jesus, I sure hope you’ll forgive us. Meanwhile, he slowly crawled deeper into the relative safety and comfort the down comforter his grandmother had made for him and wondered what she’d say about him now.
“…and I certainly did not expect or grant him permission to stick his finger in my ass, Jesus,” she said. “And while the sex was fantastic, for that alone you may smite him however you see fit.”
“So, you won’t be staying for pancakes then?” he said with a sigh.

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The coin keeps coming up ‘tails’

I’m a pretty funny guy. I’m not saying this just for the sake of saying it or to brag about being funny.  I’m usually good for a quip or some witty banter. I’m like dropping one line “zingers”. I also am good for funny bits on Facebook. In fact, people have often told me they will go on Facebook in the morning just to see what funny BS I’ve thrown up.

This jocularity doesn’t always lend itself to my writing. I can occasionally throw in some witty banter between characters or a good throw away line that is worthy of a chuckle. Generally, though that’s it. If I try to sit down by myself with pen in hand and say, “Alright, Mo, it’s time to be funny!” and work on a script or a story, I  start out solid and funny, but then it starts to peter out after a while and the tone of whatever I’m writing gets a bit darker and I then have to slap myself and remember that I’m supposed to be funny.

To put into context, I started working on a screenplay about a month ago. I thought the premise was funny, and I started out with a bunch of yucks. Then one evening while clanking away at the keyboard (for some reason I’m working on this one solely on my laptop, which is a huge departure for me) I suddenly went down the opposite path and the material got very serious. Of course, I didn’t notice until I was several pages in that I was going the wrong damn way.

For whatever reason, I’ve always written “serious” material; detective stories, techno-thrillers, police procedurals, etc. Again, I can throw in the funny one liner every once in a while but the overall tone is usually doom and gloom. That’s when I’m working solo.

When I was in college and in high school I sometimes collaborated with friends on small, often unimportant projects. Those were funny as hell, if I don’t mind saying so. I don’t know if perhaps I was able to “bring the funny” on those occasions because I was working side by side with someone and thus had an audience and immediate feedback along with the joy of having someone to, in turn, make me laugh as well which helped to fuel my funny.

Hmmmm.  So…anyone want to write a funny screenplay with me?